The Confession

Confession actually means "a formal statement admitting that one is guilty of a crime" or simply "owning up"

Yes, I am going to own up what I am today because I am in love with the change I have brought in myself. Journey from a shy girl who had tremendous inferiority complex of being fat to being healthy (not slim) person, being full of energy all the time.

This is about the years I spent in thinking so low about myself, feeling that I didn’t deserve anyone’s compliments like “Heyyyyy , you are looking good today”, taking “Motu” as offense rather than a just nickname. The hardest battle you fight is with yourself and not with the world. Wearing a mask of confidence isn’t that hard, believe me. I spent years wearing that mask. I did impress people with my hard work and sincerity every single day to feel good about myself. I was amazing at my work, I used to put double efforts in everything I did, because I wanted to cover up for my looks.

Hormones are bitch, aren’t they? When you are free from burden of clearing exams, getting good grades, finding a job and have nothing else to pursue, you start thinking about being with someone special, the right guy, you start liking them even when they are little friendlier than usual. You start reading wrong signals every single time, you create a fantasy that he might be different than rest of the guys. He might notice your kindness and helpful nature, full of life attitude. They ‘use’ you for venting out emotional burdens, they talk about their exes, family issues with you or just call you when they are bored, even for studies to clear the office training exams.

Can I blame them? Didn’t I like that they relied so much on me?  And If I only didn’t consider myself worthy to be leading lady in the movie, then it was fair enough for everyone else to give me supporting role of heroine’s best friend.  Years passed, and some techie nerds invented “Communicators – Online Chatting”! Story was no different! It happens in every other alternate cubical, addiction to talk to each other every day. Addiction was both ways but love was not. He was not crazy about me, he was crazy about the fact that someone was crazy about him. It didn’t matter who that someone was.

I blamed my body one more time. I hated myself and cried my heart out. It took me almost a year to get over such thing. Getting over is fun actually, you really push yourself to find something which will distract you and make you feel good.  I became workaholic, I read books (minus love stories) and listen to music. These three masks were the most effective to put a fake smile on the face. To know the worth of spending time with yourself, you need a heart aching breakup.

The day came in my life when I finally took a step for myself, not for anyone else but myself to do some exercise to look better, to feel better. I was kind of happy to see all fat people in the gym. It is a relief to see you are not the only one, right? I was seeing result after few days, I was raised to be strong minded girl so followed every instruction of trainer and worked really hard. I was looking great with little weight loss. I started buying new clothes of medium size from XXL, I fell in love with weight training (although that section is dominated by guys in the gymJ )

Magic wand had worked, I was looking good and slimmer that my normal sized friends. I was getting compliments and I felt so damn good. Now everything was going to change. I was going to dance like I am crazy , now nobody will judge what and how much I was eating, now I was not going to feel low about myself at all , my confidence was all time high and  now some guy was going to like me.

Believe me, NOTHING changed! Not a single thing!

My best friends who liked my fat version, like my thin version equally and they still called me Motu. Shopkeeper had same dress in both sizes XXL and M with same prize (no difference in discount apparently ;)). I danced the same way as I used to, just sweated a little less with better stamina. I used to eat same food in same quantity with no change in level of guilt while eating pastry or pizza. I am still single with no relationship till age of 29. People still talked about my weight (loss).Some people even were worried if I am healthy if I lost so much weight. My colleagues still came to me for their technical queries.

I was not the victim. I was always surrounded by good people all this time. They probably loved me despite of my weight. The guys probably were just interested in friendship and badly needed help in studying to clear exam and save their job. My friend called me Motu even when I was crying and upset, he was not teasing me, I was probably his closest friend. People who commented on how much I eat were probably just worried about my health. The guy with whom I was crazy about was probably telling me the truth I never wanted to hear.

It was not the surrounding, but the mirror who betrayed me. It was all in my head, I was my own inferiority complex. My confession is that I was the cage I was trapped into.

Umar bhar Ghalib, yehi bhul karta raha,
Dhool Chehre pe thi, aur aaina saaf karta raha !